I have realized that I spend a lot of time dreaming up a beautiful future, Trying to figure out the perfect job, place to live, lifestyle, and even having children. At 17 years old one should not be planning that far in advance. I’m dissapointed to say that I am not in a good place with anorexia, I am still not gaining/maintaining my weight now. I am following a hefty meal plan, for the most part, but It still is not enough. I don’t see how I can go on like this. I thought going back to IP in the summer would help me tremendous amounts and i would be on my way to a full recovery. WRONG. I am still stuck. Stuck in a deep hole of despair. Mother has been constanty lecturing on how I am ruinig my life, ruining everyone’s life around me, and telling me to ‘get my shit together’. What does she think I’ve been trying to do for the past YEAR. Gaah, I know i have my breakdowns and I still struggle with some meals, but I am TRYING, and that’s what counts right? I just have to push it a few steps forward.
How do you find keep striving towards the light at the end of the tunnel?
School is busy as per usual, and I have been a busy bee with studying, Outpatient appointments tomorrow, hoping for the best!