Thinking back to where I was last year at this date; my second admission to inpatient program. I met some amazing friends, had good times,  bad times, and  gained at least 17 pounds throughout the summer. I am thankful for the experience, although I yearned and would have thought I’d be much farther along in my recovery today, than I am.
But, it is what it is, and I can only go from here.
Presently, and of which I am not proud of to any degree, I am at the same weight as I was when admitted to hospital last year. That being said, my gains this summer will have to be around the same as they were last summer, minus being in inpatient. I have never been successful at gaining weight at home, but this is my last chance.
After summer university begins, and I anorexia is anything but welcome to come.
I feel I repeatedly say I need to gain weight, that I am so determined to get through this, yet somehow I always slip and fall between the cracks, letting ed take over, lose weight, lose my life.
All I can do it try again,

to set myself free.

11 thoughts on “change

  1. I know it’s hard, but slip ups are bound to happen and that is completely okay. Just pick yourself up and keep trying. It will get better.

  2. My champion,
    you can do this. I promise you. Recovery is like this, ups and downs. But you have the right attitude, hold on to that. Keep believing that recovery is possible, because it is. You are much stronger than it’s possible to imagine, just think of your victories so far. Yes, you’ve lost weight now, but that does not change your accomplishments! All the times you have proven to ED that you can do what YOU want to, you can eat, laugh and gain. Just take a minute to remind yourself of these positive experiences, take strength from them. Find peace in them, they show that the challenges that lies ahead of you are to be worked through. It will not be easy, but you’ve been through hell before.

    You have already taken the first step to change – acknowledging that you want your life to be different than today. Yes, we often find ourselves repeating ” I want to gain weight”, but that doesn’t make it any less true! It is just that our road is filled with challenges, making gaining weight a complicated process.
    The best thing is for you to do what you say- try again! 🙂 That means you keep on working to move in the right direction and that my dear, is something to be very proud of.

    Allways here for you – know that I believe in you.

  3. You can do it Laura. It is tough but in the end you know that you are strong and courageous and have the willpower to keep fighting and gaining. By the time university rolls around you will be on your toes and ready to embrace this new journey of your life without anorexia to hold you back. Keep fighting ❤

  4. Don’t give up, girlie. I know it’s hard, and that the road ahead seems endless and hopeless, especially if you’ve fallen down in the past, but recovery IS possible – I promise you. I was in your position for a long, long time… looking at the road ahead of me and being unable to fathom how I was ever going to get to the end of it… but just take baby steps – try to make one positive change a day, and see where that takes you. Be strong, and never lose hope.

  5. Yes, it is crazy hard, but you CAN do this! I know you can 🙂 Stay strong, persevere, and keep on fighting!

    Sending love, support, and prayers ❤


  6. Wow,,your last 2 posts speak to me. I feel I could sit with you and tallk so much about this stuff.

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