I am truly enjoying my time  here, and although I sometimes dread the thought of waking up to a crying two year old, I am thankful for being here,&  having this opportunity. Yet, I have to be honest with myself, and make myself aware of how ed is controlling me (instead of continually brishing it off, and thinking it will magically disapear). Ed is making the food choices; I am calorie counting, and I excersize too much for the state body is in. In reality, I did see this coming, me being in a new place, new people, so much independance and freedom. But an eating disordered life is not the life I want to live. I do not want or need these habits. My body deserves to be nourished properly and I just have not been doing that. So, starting now, not tomorrow, or next week, I will start really gaining weight. Gaining health, empowerment, and life. Cause really, being a bone-rack was never a good look on anyone.

I also realize I may have had some sort of rant like this in the past, and it hasn’t worked, I fell back into the traps of ed. But alas,
“Fall down seven times, stand up eight

I am immensly greatful for all your love and inspiration, thank-you kindly.


13 thoughts on “Ed

  1. You probably need some time to get used to the new environment. Now everything is new for you and you are trying to stick to something familiar that can make feel safe. Unfortunately, this familiar thing in your case is your ed. I hope that soon you won’t need to use calorie counting as a coping mechanism and will be able to just enjoy the summer. You are in France, girl! There are so many new things to try. Forget about ed, grab the opportunity you have. Do it now!

    • Thank-you are you are very right, I am using a comfortable coping mechanism, and need to get new ones!
      Sorry for the confusion, I did not end up going to France, as I am only an au pair for the summer I chose a location closer to home.

  2. Dear Laura,
    you can do this. Breathe, try to smile and tell yourself that I CAN.
    You are in a new environment, without the security from your parents and all what is familiar at home. ED wants to use this as an opportunity to throw a disorded party, to get back to old routines. I know it is easier said than done to disobey the urges, that little tempting voice : ” You know I can provide you with safety. ” Well, what sort of safety and control does actually restricing and pushing ourselves with excercise give? One that threatens to take away our ability to live and continue explore this world. Does that sound tempting? Not really.
    Try to remind yourself of all the negative concequences of ED every time disorded thoughts surround you. Remind yourself of the truth of ED : it is destructive. Nothing else.

    Your determination to keep going and never give up is beautiful, my friend. Hold on to this, as you have done before. Hold on and fight your very hardest. You need the food. You need to relax. You deserve it.
    You have so many opportunites now – falling in love with France, developing a beautiful relationship with the kids… These experiences will help you grow as a human being, and I want you to truely embrace life. Do as you say, start NOW. If you are anxious about a snack, take it. Eat, feel the immediate anxiety, then do your very best to tell yourself it was the right thing. Then repeat tomorrow.

    You can do this precious. You fall at times, but you never stop rising again. And we’re here to help you up and support you along the way to life.

  3. Going to a new place is hard to adjust to, especially with an ED. I’ve been having a hard time with this myself lately, but I am glad you are determined to push through it.You are so strong, I know you can do it.

  4. Dearest… I do not fully understand your story as I haven’t read more then a bit of this post, but this is important. You have a goal of working toward gaining weight… Don’t do that!! It will happen, but it can’t be the focus. It fuels the obsession. I’ve suffered from an ed. Concentrating on the weight makes it really hard. Try to concentrate on nourishing your body eating 3 meals a day. It helped me to do this and I’ve gotten to the point where I can eat when I’m hungry and trust I’m getting enough food. There is so much I’d love to tell you, but I believe this is the most important at the moment. I look forward to reading about your recovery!!

    -Sweet Peppermintz 🙂

    • Thank-you for this comment! I’m going to try rethinking ‘gaining’ into ‘nourishing’ and make sure I get full meals and snacks in everyday.

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