New week, new things

It’s been Wednesday since I last posted, and feels like a lot has happened. Its already mid August, my dad came to visit me this weekend. He is not happy at all with my health and I feel horrible for dissapointing him yet again. I promised that this summer I would be better for uni, but have failed to reach that goal. That sense failure deep in my soul lingers each day. I don’t even know if I will be aloud to go to uni, with all the frustration in my family. They feel I will ‘waste’ the money put away for school, and I do NOT want that to happen. I really hope this chance sparks a permanent change, not a one good meal then restict cycle I seem to fall into.
I don’t like being a downer, but I just had t be honest and let that out. I am in the worst state of health I have been in over the past 2 years, why am I killing myself? Why am I clinging onto this illness like a life-line. It is not my only option. I have to find a way.

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12 thoughts on “New week, new things

  1. do you have an email address where I could write you? i’m in the EXACT same position as you right now…it’s scary reading your posts sometimes because it’s like reading my own posts but not written by me, lol.

  2. I’m sorry your dad was upset. It’s hard. Maybe it would help if there are any hard feelings toward your health in your family to explain that recovery is not an easy process but you’re trying your best? I know you can get through this and I hope you have a wonderful time at uni. Stay strong, girl!

  3. Lovely,
    you can do this. I am sure your dad was more worried than disappointed. I believe that you are trying because you know what you have to do: you said it yourself “find a way”.
    stay strong. you can beat this. you are more than this eating disorder and you are a fighter. keep remembering that.
    am thinking of you. ❀

  4. I completely understand how you feel as I am in a quite similar situation right now. Seeing the disappointment and the HURT in the eyes of the persons we love most is thw worst thing ever. And isn’t it weird? – Although this should be motivating,it mostly keeps us in our stupid habits because if we are feeling down,we try to compensate it as we always do. That’s why you are aboslutely right in saying you need to “find a way” out of this vicious circle! I am very,very sure if you stay strong and keep fighting,you CAN do exactly that. But you have to believe in yourself,okay?

  5. Maybe one very important thing you should do is to stop thinking about how you disappoint others. Think about how you feel, what is best for you. Do you disappoint yourself? What can you do to change things? Trying to please everybody is just too stressful and can have the opposite effect. Do things the way you want, at your own pace. And don’t stop believing.

    • Kat – what you said is so true, what should be motivating, tends to keep up in the same negative space. I take it one day, one meal at a time. I hope you find a way out as well.

      Marina – thankyou for your honesty, I do disapoint myself, finding mysef stuck in the same situation so often. I have realized I have to recover for me, no one else.

  6. I’m sorry your dad got upset. I think he probably wants you to get better so badly, that it’s just really upsetting for him to see you struggle. It’s frustrating because you want to get better for themselves and for you but it’s not as simple. It’s hard and it’s a long road. I think it’s so so difficult for parents and loved ones because they are on the outside looking in and however hard they try they can’t understand what’s going on. This makes them frustrated too and I think it can get into a really vicious circle. You shouldn’t feel disappointed in yourself. Set backs happen to everyone so please don’t get yourself too down about it. You can do this. I have faith in you, we all do. πŸ™‚ xx

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