Sunday

Friends.
I haven’t had someone I’m so close to, that I can talk to about anything, hangout whenever, laugh, and have fun with.
Since before Ed, 4 years ago, I lost my best friend to ed. In fact I lost mostly all my friends. It saddens me to think of all the fun memories I had with them, and how I gave that up to spend 4 years of my life with ed. & I can admit, I’m still with him. After all the torture, I still use ed as my cushion. Β Yes, I did make friends during ip, that I am immensely grateful for. But I’m in the real world now and need to meet new people.
Relying on ed is no longer the choice I want to make.

I’ve heard that “relationships replace eating disorders”
I believe this could be so true, but how am I supposed to make friends when people glare in shock like they’ve seen a ghost when I walk by. How can I create a good first impression, yet alone a lasting friendship when Ed is still controlling me.

I am fighting back, and I know I have to eat,eat,eat, to gain even the slightest. But it is such a slow process, and its hard not having a group of friends to do it with( like I’m used to during ip). Im not saying I want to go back to that because I need to learn to take control of my life on my own without being forced in such an unrealistic atmosphere that the hospital provides.

I’m trying to reach out more to people, and I am happy to have some people event talk to me, smile as I walk by, but I am lonely. That is my issue, I am lonely. I said it, I’m a loner.

I have my studies to keep me busy, but really that is not enough in life.
I need that balance that I’ve been striving for, yet never reaching, ever since I began my recovery from ed.

Are you lonely, or have had similar struggles with making friends/relationships?
At least I have the blog community to keep me company in the meantime.
Leave a comment, and make me smile πŸ™‚

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10 thoughts on “Sunday

  1. Aww girl! I’m not sure if this is my first comment on your blog, but I went through the same thing! I was very depressed for almost a whole year and I felt like my life was over, but now that I look back on that, I learned who my good friends are, I appreciate my life more, I nourish by body well with the best amounts of food and whole foods! Recovering was hard, very tough, since I didn’t know who would be there for me in the future, but I found very good friends after I recovered and you may not notice it now, but you’ll find more people coming to your help in the future πŸ™‚ i’m sorry you have to go through that 😦 best wishes to the future xoxoxo

  2. Oh Laura,it hurts me so much to read this. 😦
    I know exactly how you’re feeling. EXACTLY! And I know how hard it is to deal with such a situation,especially because often,fighting feels just so vain when feeling like there’s nothing to hold on to; feeling sad & lonely without having the possbility to talk to someone who could calm you down & encourage you to hang in there.
    But you know,making new friends is a bit like recovery – it needs time. Although,it is not impossible at all! Of course,your/our current looks may make it difficult to do so,but I think it would be helpful to open up a bit more and talk to others instead of waiting them to talk to you…
    Always remember that you are NOT dependant on “Ed” but you’re LAURA – and you’re strong enough to go through all this!
    I’m thinking of you. πŸ™‚

  3. Yes, I am lonely too. Reading this post makes my soul feel understood, loneliness is so painful. So empty. Like a scream within, an intense and desperate scream.

    Humans need to be with other, to be confirmed by other. Friends help you up when you are down, and share your joys. It is hard to recover when you feel like the world does not care, because you got ED screaming in your ear and making you don’t care about your own life. But hold on now and you will meet amazing people, I promise you. You are a kind and wonderful soul and I feel lucky to have you in my life. We’ll go through this together, okay? Trying to feel at ease in the social world.

    About the difficulty of eating enough – I understand, dear. It is hard to stick with meals and snacks when we have to deal with a million and one other stress factors, as well as the feeling of being worthless and a nobody. I especially struggled with accepting the fact that I had to eat so much more than anybody else, but that is how it is. No recovery without eating. A LOT. If you need to share some of your meals and snacks + struggles with someone in the same position, just write to me at facebook. I’ll be more than glad to give you a confirmation that you need and deserve the food.

    Everything will be allright my friend. You are moving in the right direction now. It is clear from the way you write and think that you are fed up with ED and ready to embrace life.
    Proud of you.
    ❀

  4. My dear Laura,
    This post breaks my heart a little mainly because I know exactly how you are feeling and I am so mad at ed for taking that away from us. People should have the chance to meet the beautiful, funny, witty, amazing, loving Laura that ed has been hiding in captivity for too long.
    It is hard to participate in the real world sometimes. When all we want to do is hide away, curl up in our shells.
    I am proud of you for continuing to fight. It is hard. This battle. But will be worth it in the end. Loneliness will not be our typical emotion one day.
    Love you and am praying that you are smiling today πŸ™‚ ❀ Hang in there.

  5. I’m sorry you’re so lonely. I was lucky enough to have a boyfriend before I started my recovery and he wanted to understand it and take care of me. Relationships do take over eating disorders. I’m actually working on a post about that. I hope that you can meet someone who will be friends with you and talk to you and just be there for you. I’m sure that you will. It just seems hard now. You will meet new people and move away from ED and things will get better.

  6. I fully relate dear. Friends have always been hard for me… my expectations about a friendship were once way to strict. I wanted all my relationships to be close and for each friend I had to truly know me. Things that don’t always happen especially since I’m not an open book, I’m very private person. Also, my anxious self couldn’t always handle spending time with friends… Still one thing I’ve learned over the years is you can’t expect people to come running to you for friendship… they are just as afraid of rejection as you and sometimes they are content without new friends but as soon as you start talking with them they will change their mind and be thrilled to have a new friend.

    As for ED as a friend. He… or she… isn’t such a great friend. He would be alright with seeing you miserable all your life… Don’t take that dear! It’s not worth the feeling of safety. You deserve to be joyful and to live life with a feeling of freedom to do mostly as you please. *Hugs.

    Make a friend dear! Start with a classmate or a random person eating alone during lunch. If that’s to much just smile at anyone you walk by. Truly it makes my day when people smile at me, even if I don’t know them… and if I see them studying later somewhere sometimes I’ll sit with them and eventually we just start talking on accident. Those interactions are simple and short enough that my lack of socialization isn’t an overwhelming feeling… and I believe maybe that’s how you might feel about the matter. Even if you feel lonely it’s scary relearning how to make friends. Remember that’s the first thing you were taught when your parents sent you off to school. Good-Luck!

    Lots of Love and Hugs. You’re doing good just keep searching for joy and peace. You’re gonna find it!

  7. I know far far too well exactly how you feel, is it as if you feel lonely in a room full of people? It’s horrible, and that is how the illness takes us.
    I was upset tonight, as I keep on seeing the worst in people, I worry I am a horrible person, but my key worker says this is just the illness, as if it makes you think everyone is horrible or annoying, then it can keep you to itself for as long as possible. Does that make sense?
    So please keep trying with recovery, you deserve to form new, positive, healthy relationships that are going to make you feel good, instead of destructive relationships that make you feel crap. Don’t focus on what you have lost in the past but what you can gain in the future.
    Sophie x

    • All your comments bring tears to my eyes, I dont know how I deserve all these caring thoughts! Thank you they really do brighten my day.
      I am trying to branch out more and talk to others, without caring what they might be thinking/assuming.
      I had a good friend from IP visit me, and she’ll be coming to my uni in January, which is something for me to look forward.
      There is also a nutrition club that I might join just to meet new people, (and help me along my recovery).
      Slowly I am adding to my mealplan, I just have to do it and stick with it.
      ❀

  8. my god,

    i relate to every word of this i do i do

    i wish i could sit on a nice big couch with you and a blanket and a nice little movie like the little mermaid and sip hot tea and just be

    u write beautifullly
    u say what i’ve thought and do think

    i worry sometimes its all in my head
    that it doesn’t have to be this way and that i just keep dramatizing it
    i wish i could come to sensibilities again

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