The truth.

I wish I was a marathon runner.

Everytime I see someone out running I feel guilty, like I should be there with them.
Logical? No, but its still how I feel. Ever since I can remember. -probably started with my eating disorder-and then there’s the blogworld- which don’t get me wrong, i love<3- but everyone and their mom is out running in races, marathon, triathlons and whatnot. I know, i know its the lovely comparison trap.I know I shouldn’t strive to be like anyone but myself. Or feel obligated to run my ass off. Yes, I run occasionally for 5K at most. I used to only be able to run for less than 10mins. So this was an accomplishment for me, but seems so insignificant, not enough. Its never enough. I know if I preserver with training I’m sur eI could do longer distances, but It’s not something I thoroughly enjoy doing. Yes, the runner’s high feels incredible. But I hate that this drive that pushes me to run, the drive that used to force me into over-exercising and unhealthy obsessions.

I am so greatful to be far away front that scary place, but I am still working towards a full recovery.
I truly believe Bikram yoga saved my life and will always be a part of my life, but sometimes I always get envious of runners and admire how strong and fit they are. Even though I know for a fact I have never felt more incredibly strong in my own body after a bikram class, compared to after I go for a run. Why is there this need to be some ultimate fit being that doesn’t exist? Stop it already. I just want to be free from this obsession.
—Anyone in the same boat or have similar feelings towards fitness?—
I’d love to be able to walk by a runner and keep my peace.
In the mean time I’ll just keep setting my own PR’s.

11 thoughts on “The truth.

  1. I feel the exact same way everytime I see a runner outside as well. “Why aren’t I outside? Why am I not running? Shouldn’t I be doing what they’re doing?” This is all despite the fact that I got up at 5:30 to workout already. We just have to remind ourselves that we are not them nor do we have to be. Also:

    Do we know how frequently they run? How far they’re going? How long they’ve been running (in their lives and this specific run in particular)? What other forms of activity they do? How long they’re going to exercise today? Did they workout yesterday? Will they tomorrow?

    We just don’t know these things, so why compare? It’s so difficult and much easier to say than actually do, but asking a few of those questions seems to help me out a little bit.

    • Thanks Daniel, I seem to make assumptions all to quickly that everyone out there is fitter than I am. & even if they are, why should I care?
      Those are good questions to ask.
      530 every single day is a lot, don’t be too hard on yourself, I know everybody is different but everyone really does deserve rest πŸ™‚

  2. Hugs. I am actually in a similar position to you right now. My sister has started running again and last year I would go with her (because running has always been my passion and hobby-and it was new for her). But this year I’m forced to listen to her talk about her runs, go with her to keep her company even! It’s so painful to see her run and know that I am not able to just yet…and perhaps (due to the anorexic tendencies with overexercising) not for a long while even after weight restoration.
    Yoga is such a solace, but sometimes it feels like it’s not enough, you know?
    One day we will be able to enjoy running for the beauty of it. I truly believe that. Until then, let us hold on to the life that yoga is giving us.
    Love you! xoxo

    • Love you Andrea! I can’t imagine how hard that must be, & yes one day we will enjoy the beauty of running without these irrational thoughts<3

  3. Can we talk about how I could have written this post? Sometimes I don’t even look at runners because I’m afraid I’ll just feel an onslaught of guilt and jealousy. I, too have only run a few 5ks and used to not run at all. Sometimes I just don’t because I’m afraid I’lil fail. Fail at what, in comparison to all those other people? Who is to say that they are better? Can’t I just strive to be MY best?
    I think your last sentence was key. You should be able to set your own PRs and be happy with personal achievements. Bikram yoga is nothing to cough at; it is a feat in itself. I’m no yogi, and I struggle with the stillness I find yoga makes me confront. I admire you for having a practice you stick to and aspire to find my path as well. Keep going! We are none of us the same, but we are all of us special ❀

    • Exactly! We must love ourselves for what we can do without constant comparison of everyone around us.
      You are on your path already my dear, though you may not even realize it πŸ˜‰

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